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A Definition of Unconditional
Love
written by Sandy Stevenson
I love as you are as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the
world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you
should be.
I realize
that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing
life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn how you have chosen to learn it with whom or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes so how can I know what you need.
I allow
you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds
you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do, in this place where I am.
I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our
world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment.
I make no judgment
of this for if I were to deny your right to evolution than I would deny that right
to myself and all others. To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, while'st I
may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the
gift of love that God has bestowed within me for
all creation, as I love you so I shall be loved, as I sow, so I shall reap.
I allow you the
universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit a while
if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment of these steps, whether they
are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just
my viewpoint. I see you do nothing and judge it to be unworthy and yet it may be that
you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the light of God.
I cannot always
see the higher picture of divine order. For it is the inalienable right of all life
to choose their own evolution and with great love I
acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realization
that the way I see is best for me does not have to mean that it is also right for you.
I know that you are led as I am following the inner excitement to know your own path.
I know that the
many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world bring us
great richness and allow us the benefit of teachings of such diverseness. I know we
each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love
and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something,
there would need to be only one person. I will not only love
you if you behave in a way I think you should, or believe in those things I believe
in, I understand you are truly my brother and sister though you may have been born
in a different place and believe in another God than I.
The
love I feel is for all of Gods world. I know that every living thing is part of God and I feel a love deep with every person, and all tree, and flower, every bird, river, ocean and for all the creatures in all the world. I live my life in loving service being the best me I can becoming
wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of unconditional
love.
source site: click here
by Robert Burney M.A.
"By the way, the hardest part
of unconditional Love is accepting wherever we are at in the moment no matter how uncomfortable.
The hardest part of acceptance is not the difficulty of allowing others their process (although
Lord knows that can be very hard); it is allowing ourselves our own process without shame and judgment.
I can do that now most of
the time. I know now that when it feels like crap it is not punishment, it is not because I am bad or wrong or defective.
. . What I know now is that when it feels like shit that means that I am being fertilized to help me grow."
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
Spring is the time
of birth and rebirth of new beginnings. And all new beginnings need nurturing.
This is true not
only in nature but also for people who are involved in the very natural process that is healing and recovery. The Spiritual
path is our natural path, is the reason we are here in these bodies on this planet. And in order to walk a Spiritual path,
it is necessary to reprogram the mental perspectives of life that we learned growing up in a Spiritually hostile, shame-based
society.
Perhaps the first,
and certainly the most nurturing, thing we do when starting to walk a Spiritual path is
to start seeing life in a growth context - that is to start realizing that life events are lessons, opportunities for growth,
not punishment because we screwed up or are unworthy.
We are Spiritual
beings having a human experience not weak, shameful creatures who are here being punished or tested for worthiness. We are
part of/an extension of an ALL-Powerful, Unconditionally Loving God-Force/Goddess Energy/Great
Spirit, and we are here on Earth going to boarding school not condemned to prison. The sooner that we can start awakening
to that Truth, the sooner we can start treating ourselves in more nurturing, Loving ways.
The natural healing
process like nature itself regularly serves up new beginnings. We do not reach a state of being that is "happily ever after."
We are continuously changing and growing. We keep getting new lessons/opportunities for growth. Which is a real pain in the
derriere sometimes but is still better than the alternative, which is to not grow and get stuck repeating the same lessons
over and over again.
This human experience
is a process that involves inherent conflict between the continuously changing nature of life and the human ego's need to
survive. In order to insure survival (which is the ego's appointed task)
the human ego needs to define things. What is food? What is friend or enemy? Who am I and how do I relate to them? What can
hurt me and what brings me pleasure?
It also learned
that it is healthy to have a fear of the unknown (it was important to check an unknown
cave for saber toothed tigers before strolling into it.) As a result, the ego fears change and craves security
and stability. But because life is constantly changing, security and stability can only be temporary.
The way it works
is that the ego's definitions put us in a box - this is who I am and how I relate to them - and the life process keeps breaking
up our box. Every time our box breaks we have to let go of some of our ego-definitions in order to grow. The time when we
break out of the box is the time we are the most scared and confused because we have just had to surrender some of our
old definitions and we do not know yet what is going to replace them - and the time we most need to
nurture ourselves.
But because we
were taught that if we are doing it "right" we shouldn't be confused or scared, that is the time when we beat ourselves up
the most. We are the least nurturing to ourselves when we are growing the most, at the time
of a new beginning.
Those times when
we feel like we are "falling apart," "losing it," going to pieces," are the times when we are growing. In a little while (little is a relative term, how fast we recover depends on how much we are judging ourselves,
the more we are shaming and abusing ourselves the longer it takes) we start to get a feel for our new expanded
psychic environment.
We find some new
definitions and built ourselves a bigger box. We start to feel safe and secure again. We have grown and broadened our horizons and it feels like we are finally "getting it together." We get
comfortable with the new dimension of consciousness we have entered. That is when it is time to break out of the box again
- to fall apart, let go, process some more issues.
The more we understand
that this is the way the process works; the easier it becomes to not judge and shame ourselves; the more capacity we have
to Love and nurture ourselves. Life is constantly changing.
There are always going to be endings and new beginnings. There is always going to be grief and pain and anger about what we
have to let go of, and fear of what is to come. It is not because we are bad or wrong or shameful. It is just the way the
game works.
So there is good
news and bad news. The good news is that a New Age has dawned in human consciousness and that we now have tools, knowledge,
and access to healing energy and Spiritual guidance that has never before been available. We are discovering the rules of
the game that we have been playing for thousands of years by rules that don't work.
The bad news is
that it's a stupid game - or at least it feels like it some of the time. The more we understand that it is a game, that this
is just boarding school, the easier it becomes to nurture ourselves by not shaming and judging
ourselves. We are going to get to go home. We don't have to earn it - that's what Unconditional
Love means.
sources site: click here
Is it possible to unconditionally love an adopted child?
by Carol Gioia
Adopted children have one thing in common with children born
to their parents. In both cases, the parents cannot be sure what type of child they will be parenting. Children come in all
sizes, shapes, personalities and capabilities.
In whatever manner the child comes into the family, there
is no way to predict certain attributes. While it is true, one can request a particular sex when choosing to adopt, all other
particulars are a toss of the dice, just as with birth children.
Heredity only plays one part in the makeup of a child. Environment
is also a huge factor in molding the child's personality and attitudes, and a nurturing environment
is the variable parents bring to the table.
I have sixteen grandchildren.
Three of them are adopted, although for the life of me, I cannot always remember which three. All sixteen have distinctly
different personalities and talents. Some of them have traits similar to their own parents as children. Others are so uniquely
their own person, I am constantly amazed they are part of our family.
The one thing they all have
in common, adopted or not, is their high moral standards and values. It is easy to project, even in the younger ones, that
one day they will all be productive and contributing members of society. They are the products of long term doses of unconditional love by doting and conscientious parents. Nature and
nurture combined has resulted in a group of happy, loving individuals and some rightfully
proud parents and grandparents.
I vividly remember the day
and the circumstance surrounding each of their entries into our family. Some I set eyes on for the first time in the maternity
ward of a hospital; others came to us through adoption courts. The birth children took nine months to arrive, the adopted
ones sometimes even longer. Eager anticipation was a component in all cases. There is a tendency to fall in love with a child during the waiting period, so I was already smitten with each of my grandchildren the first
time I held them in my arms.
Our family loves children. You can imagine our dismay when our daughter and her husband learned, after having a premature
daughter and losing a premature son, there would be no more children. Determined their little girl would not be an only child,
this formidable couple set out on their journey to increase their family through adoption.
Acquiring a family through
the adoption process is not for the faint of heart. Undaunted by the red tape of invasive interviews, psychological testing,
home investigations, prohibitive cost and interminable waiting, they eventually were the delighted parents of another daughter
and two sons.
These two remarkable individuals
have poured consistent and unwavering love and attention on all four of their children to
the edification of all observers of this close knit family. Their children bloom and thrive, basking in the glow of perpetual, unconditional love and acceptance. At least three other families we know have been inspired to
adopt after witnessing the all encompassing love and enthusiasm for life of this remarkable
family and the close bond among the four children and their parents.
Is it possible to unconditionally love an adopted child? It is the only way to love any child.
All children need total acceptance and unconditional love. Being adopted is a minor detail.
I know, for I have three adopted
grandchildren, but, for the life of me, I cannot always remember which three.
source site: Helium - click on the link and read more opinions concerning this matter.
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Nurturing Others
“In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire
goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people
who rekindle the inner spirit.” Albert
Schweitzer
Nurturing is fundamental to
the human experience. Propelled by love for another, nurture
is both a set of behaviors as well as an emotional and spiritual environment. The literature on nurturing
comes primarily from child development research regarding parents and children, which emphasizes the importance of
raising children in a warm, trusting, caring and structured home.
There are 5 overarching
principles that define nurturing. These principles extend to all human relationships across
the life span:
Unconditional
love, attachment and connectedness - Attachment is key to the parent-child bond. Children who fail to attach develop insecurities that can undermine their social and emotional development. Connectedness,
like attachment, is also a bonding between 2 people based on trust and empathy and can develop at any time in the life span.
The cornerstone for attachment and connectedness is unconditional love. Knowing we are loved
and cared about in spite of our flaws and failures is the foundation for healthy relationships. When we experience unconditional love, communication, trust and respect follow.
Loving touch - Touch is one of the most powerful interactions between parents and children. Children who are kissed and held frequently develop
strong physical health and strong bonds with their parents. For a child, touch is the manifestation of unconditional love. For
teens and adults, loving touch is less frequent but is still necessary to affirm the love we need from others.
Discipline, accountability and mentoring - Setting age -appropriate limits, teaching morality and right-from-wrong actions, and teaching
respect for others is the other side of nurturing. As we grow into adults, discipline turns to
“accountability” to others such as family, friends and other commitments throughout the life span.
Mentoring is a common form
of nurturing others in work, sports, education and religious communities. Mentoring is a combination of encouragement, training
and accountability. Most successful people attest to the impact of a special mentor in their life.
Empathy and feelings - Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the place of others. Empathy involves feeling what the other person is feeling and thinking, and communicating that understanding back to him. When we
are hurting, empathy from a loved one is often the best medicine.
Affirmation and praise - Children
need and crave praise and affirmation from their parents. Being told how special they are and receiving praise for their accomplishments
sets the groundwork for healthy self-esteem. As we grow and engage the world, being recognized for our success, perseverance and struggles affirms our worth by reminding us of the love and praise we received as small
children.
The ability to nurture children
is innate for parents. When love and bonding occur, a child becomes emotionally wired to give and receive love and develop mutually
rewarding relationships in adulthood. In other words, those who are properly nurtured have
the ability to nurture others.
It is the nurture we receive from others that sustains life and makes it worth living. Mother Theresa said it best: “We
can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is love.”
By Drew Edwards, EdD, MS
© 2004 Achieve Solutions
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Unconditional Love
People who did not receive
unconditional love as children can learn to give it to themselves and others.
For individuals of any age, one of the most valuable concepts to work on is that of love with no limits or conditions, love which separates the person from the
person's behaviors.
The infant who is fully accepted in every way has received the
gift of unconditional love. There are no reservations, criticisms, or conditions about familial
characteristics or other attributes that are basically unchangeable.
Unconditional love
is simple, yet it is one of the most difficult concepts to teach people who have never experienced it.
Conditional love has roadblocks and barriers to love. For example, "I will love you if you will do something for me." Unconditional love,
on the other hand, has no roadblocks or barriers to love, and would state, "I will love you, separate from your behaviors."
People need
to be loved for who they are, not for what they have done. It is essential that each one
of us love, protect, and nurture the human being that
we are. The precious, unique child we were remains within us for life, our inner child.
Many
people have felt the sting of destructive criticism and rejection. Frequently, they come from families from chemical abuse
or other addictions.
Addictions, in any form, whether alcoholism, other drug addiction
or obsessive-compulsive behaviors, often rule the family with their pervasive overlay of negativity, rejection, abuse and
need for control.
Dysfunctional family patterns of learned, destructive behaviours
may go back many generations. Until a family member declares, "Enough!" and seeks spiritual help to ease the pain, change
usually does not take place.
With a good support system, motivation and hard work,
a person of any age can learn give, and to receive, unconditional love. Support systems
may include clergy, oneself, family, friends, recovery programs, professional and other people who foster growth and self-
acceptance.
How can you take a concept such as unconditional
love and learn to give it to yourself and to those you love? Some of the basic components
of unconditional love which help to make it functional include:
- Developing a good balance
of discipline and praise as a way to approach self-love as well as love of others.
- Internalizing your relationship
with God, beginning to nurture your inner child.
- Internalizing the idea that,
next to God, you are your closest friend, and begin to communicate with these two best friends.
- Realizing that underneath
anger are fear and dependence.
- Allowing yourself to do grief
work on a daily basis as personal losses occur, regardless of their size.
Discipline and Praise
It is important to develop a good balance of discipline and praise, both toward you and from you. The discipline part of love is constructive, objective, forthright, educational and meant to help. Discipline is often confused with punishment, which is destructive, negative and is meant to hurt. Praise is expression of admiration
and appreciation, whether genuine or not.
To clarify the image of love as a good balance of discipline and praise, think about your shoulders. When your shoulders are fairly level, with good posture, your sense of physical balance
is enhanced. Visualize one shoulder representing discipline, and the other shoulder representing praise.
If the weights of both discipline and praise are not evenly distributed, one shoulder will drop from the weight and your inner sence of balance will be threatened.
With each self-discipline administered, be sure to administer an equal dose of praise, so that your inner balance is maintained.
This praise
needs to be both a praise to yourself for being capable of performing the necessary task at hand, but an equal amount of praise
to God, giving Him equal praise for allowing or causing you to be capable of performing the task.
Self-Parenting & God-Parenting
By internalizing your ideal parents as spiritual inspiration
given by an internal relationship with God, as well as a healthy relationship with your inner-self, you can nurture your inner child and begin to recover from not receiving unconditional love
from the most primary persons in your infancy and childhood. Primaries include oneself, mother, father, siblings, grandparents,
aunts, uncles; in short, any blood relative or caretaker in descending order of primacy in human life.
Keep foremost in your mind that God and yourself are the foremost primaries for yourself. Your inner child,
self-parent, self-friend, and God-Parent and God-Friend are necessary components of your primary self.
Listen to what you say to yourself, being careful not to listen to imitations brought on by negative influence,
working to change the negative messages to positive ones. To a large degree, we are what we think. Be SURE to include what
the God, your primary ideal parent, has to say. Learn to differentiate between negative influences and the voice of your positive
inner-self and/or God.
Allow your self-parent and/or God-Parent to correct your negative
behavior while simultaneously nurturing your vulnerable inner child. Tell your inner child,
"God Loves you, and I love you." Reassure yourself that
you will do better next time, as you strive to achieve growth and serenity, ESPECIALLY since you have the help of the God-Parent
to guide and strengthen your Self-Parent.
Be gentle with yourself when you try to
change. Tell yourself that failure means not trying to change negative behavior; success means that you did try. When you
slip back into old negative messages, allow your self-parent to praise you for your efforts to make positive changes, and
ask the God-Parent within to give you strength to succeed next time you face a similar situation.
It is difficult to change old messages, but through your self-parent, and with help from your God-Parent, your
vulnerable inner child can begin to see change. If you behave in a way that you regret, such as being late for work because
you stayed in bed too long, tell yourself, "I was wrong to be late for work but that doesn't make me a bad person." You can
judge your behavior without judging yourself. God is like that... He can, and WILL, judge your behavior without judging you.
The ideal, nurturing self-parent becomes instilled behaviorally.
Sit in a rocking chair and rock your inner child in a gentle, soothing way. Reassure your inner child when you are afraid.
Feel the protection of you internalized self-parent who unconditionally loves your inner
child. Speak to the God-Parent inside. Listen for His response. Guiding yourself by the things you learn HERE will soon become
second nature, indeed, become habits.
Monitoring your behavior and administering
equal doses of discipline and praise supports healthy changes. Although many individuals are quite uncomfortable with parenting
their inner child, self-love begins to feel natural with practice, and is strengthened by the God-Parent's continual presence
and interaction.
Your Closest Friend
Internalizing
yourself as your second-best friend and beginning to communicate with yourself as one of your your closest, dearest friends
may happen, once you realize your self-parent and inner child deepening their relationship.
Inherent
in a friendship is the knowledge that a friend never knowingly hurts a friend. A friend cares, often giving advice, but lets
you try to fix whatever needs to be changed, helping when asked. A friend listens in a sensitive, uncritical way and does
not judge, valuing you as a human being even if he or she does not approve of certain behaviors.
A friend supports friends through the belief that their problems can be resolved, once defined, when given sufficient
uncritical, loving support. I have often witnessed rage when an adult trying to define a problem is cut off by someone who
offers unwelcome or inappropriate advice rather than simply being supportive. Even many children are fully capable of defining
their problems and verbalizing ways to solve them.
Honesty, encouragement and caring can be given to yourself as love in the form of a good balance of self-discipline
and self- praise. This inner experience of friendship and love is the beginning of healing.
People can carry within themselves their closest, dearest friends. They will never be alone or
abandoned.
Self-Communication
Communicating
well with both God and yourself is imperative, so that thoughts and feelings are clarified. Reading your bible, and keeping
a journal are excellent ways to do this. There is something about the written word that provides credibility. When writing
a journal, begin with the date and time. Write about positive and negative events and thoughts and feelings, including your
relationship with God.
By being open and honest with yourself, over a period of time you will discover patterns in your life to reinforce or work on changing.
A journal can also record insights from God. These insights provide a form of problem solving
that directly or symbolically helps us to understand what we experience or repress. When you do not fully understand these
insights, talk to someone skilled in these types of insights, such as a pastor, or elder within your church.
Another viable way to self-communicate is to talk out loud. Hearing your own voice can make an
idea or decision seem real, and ALWAYS serves to strengthen the thoughts associated with it. This is why expressing your negative
feelings to another individual or even a professional often does more harm than good. Leave the negative expressions out deliberately,
to serve the purpose of letting them take a back seat to more important thoughts and ideas, and, in time, they will become just a blur of the past.
As humans,
we communicate with words. It is essential that we talk to ourselves, out loud if privacy permits, so that we will realize
and strengthen what we are thinking and feeling, so long as it is is positive in nature.
Anger
When you experience anger it is helpful to understand that it is an effect,
not a cause. The possible causes underlying anger are multiple, but certainly includes fear and dependence. Whenever you are
angry, ask yourself two questions:
- What is it that I fear?
- What is my dependence?
Grief Work
Anger is also part of grief work; it is the second stage of the grieving process. Grief work is the uncomfortable and often painful
work of truly experiencing and putting behind us the small to large losses that occur in our lives. Putting something behind
us does not mean that we forget, but rather that we acknowledge reality and forgive ourselves or others for losses.
Allowing yourself to do grief work on a daily basis as losses occur is central to self-love and
good self-parenting. Avoid the urge to delay grief work and pack the losses inside. Do not verbalize the grief, which would
only strengthen it, but allow yourself to feel and physically express the emotions of grief.
Four
of the possible forms of grief work, as defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, are:
- Denial. I am just imagining the whole thing.
- Anger, and thus fear and/or dependence, when we begin to emerge from denial.
- Self-Pity. Why did this have to happen to ME?
- Acceptance. Work to accept reality.
One method of dealing with
grief is through honest, assertive self-communication. Realize that denial, the first stage of grief work, is a form of passivity.
Passive behavior can be exceedingly damaging when losses are packed inside, yet dwelt on, causing them to fester. Find positive
replacement activities to allow you to begin to feel self-worth.
People who grow
up in dysfunctional families with chemical abuse often follow the rule, "Don't talk. Everything is O.K. There are no losses."
Allow your self-parent to help you overcome denial and grieve your losses.
Remind
yourself that underneath your anger in grief work there is probably fear and dependence. Your self-parent, and God-Parent
can help you through the anger stage of grief work by loving and protecting your inner child.
Allow
your self-parent and self-friend and/or God-Parent to help you through self-pity, the third stage of grief work. Comfort yourself
and allow others, including your God-Parent, to support you lovingly so that you can move on to the final stage of grief work,
reality acceptance.
Accepting as a fact that your losses occurred, no matter how
painful, is facing reality. As you and/or your God Parent lovingly parent your inner child, you are better able to face reality
and to trust the future.
Unconditional love, with NO limits or conditions attached,
is is love that separates us from our behaviors. Unconditional
love is administered through a good balance of discipline and praise, by internalizing our ideal self-parent for our inner child, by internalizing our ideal self-friend, by recognizing our ideal God-Parent and God-Friend, by realizing that fear and dependence are causes of anger and by giving ourself permission
to do grief work on a daily basis for the small to large losses that occur in our lives.
With
sufficient readiness, support, hard work, and a firm grip on our relationships with our inner God-Parent and God-Friend, unconditional love can be a reality.
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