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Re-parenting / Self Parenting & Nurturing Adult Children

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nurture 101!
 
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Self-Parenting For Emotional Health

by Hu Dalconzo
Founder Of Holistic Learning Centers

To learn how to fulfill your emotional needs necessitates that you study how to Self-parent yourself. Self-parenting is heart work. The primary objectives of Self-parenting exercises are to help you fulfill your emotional dependency needs that were not met during your childhood.
 
Emotional dependency needs are the intimacy, nurturing, unconditional love and boundary protection that a person needs in order to feel safe, sane, and secure in the world.

Consciously fulfilling your emotional dependency needs will allow you to function in the world as an emotionally mature, highly functional adult. Self-parenting exercises take the concept of Self-nurturing from an abstract, hard to understand theoretical concept and break it down piece by piece into a step by step, easy to understand, specific set of emotionally Self-nurturing exercises.

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Self-parenting exercises are a fast, safe way for you to surface and heal your repressed feelings. They can help you to rewire your internal programming with new, healthy, healing feelings.
 
You can prove it to yourself that the Self-parenting visualization exercises work by closing your eyes and imagining that you are chewing on a lemon. What you'll notice is that you'll start to salivate. WHY?
 
Because your mind can't tell the difference between a real and an imagined lemon. Therefore, when you do your Self-parenting exercises your mind won't be able to tell the difference between your real childhood experiences and Self-parented (imagined) visualizations.

Three things are striking about Self-Parenting exercises:
(1) The speed with which you will feel better
(2) the depth of your emotional healing
(3) how fast you reawaken your Self-mastery powers to see, feel and heal so that you can take responsibility to Self-parent yourself.
Fulfilling your emotional dependency needs is a Self-parenting educational process designed to teach you how to be emotionally intimate with yourself and others, unconditionally love and accept yourself and others, nurture yourself and others, and how to maturely protect your boundaries so that you will feel safe and secure in the world.

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I'm often asked the question, "What's the difference between Inner Child work and Self-parenting work?" Inner child work is to Self-parenting what arithmetic is to algebra.
 
Self-parenting takes inner child work and integrates it with clinically proven, spiritually based exercises that breaks down Self-nurturing into a step by step, specific set of emotionally intimate Self-parenting exercises that will fulfill your emotional dependency needs that were not met when you were a child.

I want you to clearly understand what this term Inner Child means. It is your childlike memories and programs that are emotionally anchored to a time when you only had the power, knowledge, and physical strength of a small child.
 
Your inner child needs to learn to trust the "adult you" because you have adult powers now that he/she didn't have. You need to make your inner child feel safe and secure by committing to practice these Self-parenting exercises until you do feel safe and secure in the world.

When you feel emotionally safe you will willingly reconnect with your repressed feelings, memories and emotions that are still frozen behind ego defenses that you needed when you were a child. When you were a child you needed your childlike defenses to feel safe, but they are no longer necessary because you are now an adult who is learning how to parent yourself.

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I will leave you with a poem I co-wrote with Jane Christ entitled, SELF-PARENTING.

AS A SELF-PARENTED ADULT


AS A SELF-PARENTED ADULT...
 
If I don't learn how to fulfill my emotional dependency needs, then I'll never feel safe, sane, and secure in the world;
 
For I'll always have to look to others to tell me who I am. If I don't expect emotional intimacy,
 
I am saying that..."I'm Ok with you being emotionally distant from me,"
 
and I'll distance myself for fear of rejection.
 
If I don't demonstrate unconditional love for my Self,
 
I am showing people that "I'm not worthy of receiving love,
 
nor your benefit of the doubt."
 
If I don't demand respect, I'll give people permission to treat me
disrespectfully;
 
for I teach people how to treat me by the way I treat myself.
 
If I don't use my adult powers,
 
I'll fall prey to my own "child-like" ego defenses;
 
and the walls I build will keep out the love I seek.
 
If I don't maturely defend my boundaries with my adult powers,
 
then people will "trespass" me just like they did when I was a powerless child!
 
If I don't give my Self permission to be myself,
 
then people will "mold me" into who they want me to be,
 
taking me further away from the light of my real Self and closer to the darkness of my "persona" (mask).
 
If I don't learn to validate and release my feelings,
 
then my feelings will create dis-ease within me;
 
for a dis-ease is a perfect creation;
 
a negative feeling made manifest.
 
If I beat my Self up when I "act out" with "less than perfect" behavior,
 
then I am affirming that,
 
"I am my behavior" and not a child of God.
 
If I'm not willing to practice my Self-parenting skills until they become a part of my consciousness,
 
then when life "tests" me I'll attempt to protect my Self using immature,
 
childlike, ego-based methods.
 
If I don't "respond with ability" to make my life emotionally, sexually, and physically Safe, Sane, and Secure,
 
then I'll live a life of "quiet desperation,"
 
comfortable in my "uncomfortable-ness"
 
and fearful of life's opportunities,
 
unable to fulfill my divine birthright, a life worthy of a child of God!

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In 1977, Hu Dalconzo founded a Self-actualization training company called L.I.F.E. (LIFE is an acronym for Love, Integrity, Freedom, and Esteem). Then, in 1995, he started accepting students who wanted to learn about the Self-mastery techniques that he developed during his 25 years as a student of L.I.F.E ... and so Holistic Learning Centers was born.
 
Hu has written several books, training manuals and audiocassette albums including:
  • Self-Mastery…A Journey Home To Your Self! Textbook and Audiocassette Album
  • Spiritual Counselor's Course & Training Manual; Spiritual Counselor’s Audiocassette Album
  • Life Coaches Certification Course & Training Manual
  • Self-parenting Coaches Course & Training Manual
  • Weight Mastery Course & Training Manual
  • Money Mastery Course &Training Manual
  • Relationships Mastery Course & Manual
  • Holistic Parenting Course & Training Manual
  • How to Build A Successful Holistic Practice Training Manual
  • How To Build an… Abundant Holistic Practice! Audiocassette Album
  • The Secret…Your Beliefs Create Your Reality! Book and The Secret…
  • You Can Create The Reality You Desire! Audiocassette Album.
  • For more information, visit www.holisticlearningcenter.com

Re-parenting
 
What is re-parenting?
Re-parenting is:
  • Being a parent to yourself.
  • Giving yourself the nurturing, affection and recognition you need to heal your inner child.
  • Giving yourself the guidance, direction and self-discipline needed to gain self-control and to accept personal responsibility for your own life.
  • Letting go of self-pity over your being neglected or abused as a child and taking charge of your life.
  • Creating a bond between the adult you and inner child you to give you a sense of security, self-confidence and self worth.
  • Accepting yourself the way you are in an unconditional way with no regrets or self hatred over what you "should" have been.

Reasons why you need to re-parent yourself

If you have experienced any of the following in your lifetime, you are an excellent candidate to re-parent yourself so that you can experience "growing down'' to healthy self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem.

  • Neglected by your parents.
  • Criticized by critical parents or teachers.
  • Physically, sexually, emotionally or verbally abused by your parents, siblings or relatives.
  • Raised in a dysfunctional family where alcohol or drugs were abused or parent(s) were mentally ill.
  • Lacking male nurturance from your father who was emotionally unavailable to you and are therefore male nurturance deprived.
  • Lacking female nurturance from your mother who was emotionally unavailable to you and are therefore female nurturance deprived.

Signs in adulthood that you need to re-parent yourself

The following is a symptoms checklist. Put a check next to the items that are mostly true for you at this time in your life.

___ 1. Lacking in self-confidence in interpersonal relationships at home, work, socially and in the community.

___ 2. Inability to believe you deserve good things in life.

___ 3. Feelings of shame about your past.

___ 4. Feelings of guilt about your past.

___ 5. Inability to have self forgiveness for all of your real or perceived faults, mistakes, or failures in the past.

___ 6. Inability to affirm or say nice things to or about yourself.

___ 7. Dependence on others to approve you.

___ 8. Fear of rejection from others.

___ 9. Desire to be invisible so that others don't know what you are thinking, how you feel or what you are doing.

___ 10. Need to please others.

___ 11. Need to avoid conflict at all costs.

___ 12. Waiting for or wanting someone to nurture and care for you to make up for the absence of nurturance in your past life.

___ 13. Unwillingness to accept that the solutions to your problems are your responsibility.

___ 14. Not capable of exercising self-control over all aspects of your life.

___ 15. Excessive use of manipulation to get others to do what you want them to do for you.

___ 16. Excessive hostility, bitterness, sarcasm and cynicism about life and how it has treated you.

___ 17. Extreme pessimism about your ability to do what it takes to recover from low self-esteem.

___ 18. Pent-up anger, rage and hatred against the people in your past life who have abused or neglected you.

___ 19. Lack of clear direction and clarity of goals in your life.

___ 20. Not sure of who you really are.

If you have checked two or more, you are in need of re-parenting work.

Different types of re-parenting activities include:

  • Inner child healing
  • Self-affirmations while you self-nurture yourself physically by hugging and cradling self
  • Unconditional self-acceptance
  • Identification of feelings
  • Anger workouts
  • Self forgiveness
  • Personal journal writing
  • Accepting personal responsibility for self
  • Grief and mourning work focused on letting go of past hurts, losses, and pain

Steps to implement a re-parenting program in your life

Step 1: Identify if you are in need of re-parenting in your life.

Step 2: Identify in your journal all of the unhealthy thoughts you have about yourself and your life which re-parenting can help alter. Then identify healthy counter thoughts that are more rational and conducive to personal growth. These are re-parenting guidance statements which you need to tell yourself. What follows are some sample positive re-parenting statements for your negative, unhealthy thoughts.

• Unhealthy thought: I am worthless. Re-parenting statement: I am a worthy person.


• Unhealthy thought: I'll never amount to anything. Re-parenting statement: I have and will continue to amount to something in life.


• Unhealthy thought: Because I experienced the sensations and physical excitement, I am guilty for the act of sexual abuse committed against me. Re-parenting statement: Physical and sensual pleasure to the victim of sexual stimulation often results from a sexually abusive situation but this does not make the victim guilty of the act.


• Unhealthy thought: Because as a child I asked for or sought it out, I was responsible for it. Re-parenting statement: As a child I needed healthy guidance and direction from the adults in my life and because I lacked this direction I didn't know or have the strength to avoid such unhealthy or inappropriate activities. In many cases my curiosity needed a parent's gentle guidance. Instead I was left to roam and wander, thus leading me down the "hurtful'' paths that I took.


• Unhealthy thought: I must have been an awful child for them to neglect or abuse me that way. Re-parenting statement: They neglected and abused me because they had problems. I did not deserve the treatment I received.


• Unhealthy thought: All I want out of life is to have someone pick me up in their
arms and tell me how proud they are of me. Why can't this happen? Re-parenting statement: I will hug myself daily and tell myself how special I am to me. I will feel the warmth of my hug and realize how sincere my joy in being me is. I will daily affirm my good points and forgive my failures, mistakes, and setbacks. I can make it happen that I am my best source of reinforcement, affirmation, and recognition of worth in life. I am proud of me. I can remain proud of myself. I will be proud of myself.

Step 3: Once you have identified in your journal a set of re-parenting statements for yourself, you can plan a program of re-parenting to follow on a daily basis. To help you do this, refer to Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous (SEA) Program Manual , the SEA's tools for recovery, the SEA's 12 Step Guide and a detailed outline The SEA's program of Recovery.

 
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